It started at 4:47pm. By 5:32, they had both described their perfect meal in such detail that ordering seemed unnecessary.
Story
“I just want something with rice,” Shirly said.
“So let’s get Indian.”
“But I had Indian last week.”
“That was a weekday. This is a weekend decision.”
“Derek. I can have Indian twice in a week. I am merely saying that Italian might also be good.”
“But you just said you wanted Indian.”
“I said I wanted rice. There are many rices.”
He sat down heavily on the sofa. “Why is this so hard?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
“You want me to decide.”
“I want us to decide.”
“You keep sighing when I suggest things.”
“I keep sighing because you’ve suggested the same place four times.”
“I suggested it once.”
“You said ‘the Italian place’ and then ‘the other Italian place’ and then ‘that one by the park’ and then ‘the one that’s like the other one but better’. Those are four places.”
“They’re all the same cuisine!”
“Cuisine is not the same as place, Derek.”
He stared at the ceiling. “I don’t want to make the wrong decision.”
“You can’t make the wrong decision. It’s dinner.”
“I think I can.”
Her View
Shirly felt trapped. She did have a preference, but she didn’t want to always be the person who got what they wanted. That felt like a different kind of burden.
She also knew that if she said ‘let’s just get Indian’, Derek would feel overruled. If she said ‘whatever you want’, he would feel like he was guessing.
The real problem was that she wanted to be asked once, and she wanted Derek to guess her well enough to get it right.
His View
Derek felt the weight of decision-making. Every option seemed fine, but choosing one meant ruling out others, and what if he chose wrong and she was disappointed?
He also felt that Shirly kept moving the goalposts. First she wanted Indian, then she didn’t, then she wanted rice, then she was open to Italian. He could not find the fixed point.
He wanted a clear signal. He was not getting one.
Couples Therapist Breakdown
What Actually Happened
Both wanted the other person to be happy. Both were terrified of choosing wrong. The fear of disappointment made decision-making impossible.
What’s Really Happening
IFS Parts Map
Shirly’s manager part tries to avoid being the one who always decides, while Derek’s manager part avoids being the one who chooses wrong. Each protector keeps them circling the same conversational cul-de-sac. Beneath the surface, Shirly’s vulnerable part fears being seen as controlling, and Derek’s fears being seen as a disappointment. Both need the same thing: to feel their preference matters without the burden of having to enforce it.
Iceberg Diagram
On the surface, Shirly says she wants rice and Derek says he wants Italian. But the argument is not about cuisine. Shirly’s hidden thought is that she does not want to always be the person who decides, and Derek’s is that he cannot read her mind. Below the water, Shirly feels burdened by the weight of choosing for two, while Derek feels anxious about getting it wrong. At the deepest level, both fear that their preference might not matter enough to the other person.
The Psychology
Decision fatigue often hits couples in the evening, when both people have used their quota of choices. The simplest way out is to let one person decide, but that requires trust that the decision will be accepted.
The Decision Loop
- 1
Both want the other to be happy
- 2
No one wants to choose
- 3
The loop continues
- 4
One person finally says: I pick this
The Mistake
Making the decision about the decision rather than about the meal.
The Repair
“Rock paper scissors. Loser picks. Winner has to be happy with it.”
Healthy Version
“Rock paper scissors,” Derek said.
“You can’t just…”
“Rock paper scissors.”
“Rock paper scissors.”
He threw paper. She threw scissors.
“I win,” she said.
“You pick.”
“Pizza.”
“Done.”
“That was fast.”
“The alternative was talking about dinner until we forgot to eat.”
Questions
- Who usually decides where to eat?
- Does your partner’s indecision feel like trust or like burden?
- What’s your fallback cuisine?
- Can you let one person win a simple decision without resentment?