The homework was not done. The not doneness was the issue.
Story
“Homework,” Derek said.
“Homework is done,” the child said.
“Homework is not done.”
“Homework is done.”
“I can see it’s not done.”
Shirly looked at the book. The book was closed. The closedness was evidence.
“Let them not do it,” she said.
“They have to do it.”
“They don’t have to.”
“They have to do it.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s homework.”
“Homework isn’t mandatory.”
“It is mandatory.”
“It’s not mandatory.”
Derek looked at the book. The book was Maths. Maths was not optional. The not optional was the point.
Her View
Shirly felt like homework was a battle it was not worth winning. The winning was not helping. The not helping was making children hate learning, which was worse than not doing homework, which was the only option she could offer, which was not an option.
She also knew she was being slack. The slackness was not helpful. The helpful was the homework, which was supposed to teach, which was the goal, which was failing.
She wanted them to like learning. Forced was not liking.
His View
Derek felt like no was not an option. The not option was that homework was homework, and the was had to do it, and the had was mandatory, and the mandatory was not negotiable, and the not was making him the bad one, and the bad was her fault for not backing him up.
He also knew he was being rigid. The rigidity was failing. The failing was visible, and the visible was the child, and the child was not learning, which was the point.
He wanted them to succeed. His way was not working.
Couples Therapist Breakdown
What Actually Happened
One parent forced homework, one parent did not care. The gap was around motivation.
What’s Really Happening
IFS Parts Map
Shirly’s manager part wants the children to develop a genuine love of learning. Her protector part resists the homework battle entirely, sensing that force will backfire. Her vulnerable part fears she is being slack or failing her children. Derek’s manager part believes structure and discipline are essential for success. His protector part holds the line rigidly, mistaking flexibility for giving up. His vulnerable part quietly fears that without enforcement, his children might fall behind.
Iceberg Diagram
The argument about a child’s closed maths book looks simple, but it runs much deeper. On the surface, Shirly says homework is not worth the fight and Derek says it is not optional. Beneath that, Shirly believes force destroys curiosity while Derek believes boundaries create success. Shirly feels concerned; Derek feels anxious. Her core need is for her children to learn willingly. His core need is for them to achieve. At the deepest level, Shirly fears crushing their natural curiosity, and Derek fears that without pressure they might drift.
The Psychology
Forced learning does not work. Children need to want to learn.
The Learning Gap
- 1
One forces
- 2
One lets go
- 3
Child resists
- 4
Learning stalls
The Mistake
Making homework a battle. It should not be.
The Repair
“We set a time, not a result. They sit with the book. They don’t have to finish it. They have to try.”
Healthy Version
“Can I try something?” Shirly said.
“What?”
“No homework tonight.”
“No homework?”
“No homework. Just the book.”
“Book?”
“Sit with the book. Doesn’t have to be done.”
“Doesn’t have to be done?”
“Just sit.”
“Just sit?”
“Just sit.”
The sitting turned into doing. Doing turned into learning.
Questions
- How do you handle homework?
- Do you force or encourage?
- What’s your approach?
- Can you find a middle ground?