The options were on the screen. Hot, cold, or somewhere in between. Derek pointed at hot. Shirly pointed at cold.
Story
“I want sun,” Derek said.
“I want snow.”
“We can’t have both.”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re in different places.”
“You could go to a place with both.”
“There is no place with both.”
“There’s somewhere… Switzerland has mountains and valleys. The valley is warm. The mountain is cold.”
“That’s not both. That’s one thing at different heights.”
She sighed. The sigh was long and thorough. “Where do you actually want to go?”
“I told you. Hot.”
“Which hot?”
“Any hot. Warm. Sunny.”
“Be more specific.”
“Southern Europe. Spain, maybe. Or Italy.”
“Those are very hot.”
“That’s the point.”
“Derek. I want to ski.”
“You want to ski in summer?”
“I want to ski. In winter. In a cold place.”
He looked at the screen again. It was not a difficult question, but it was producing impossible disagreement.
“What if we did two trips?” he said. “One hot, one cold. This year, then next year.”
“That’s two holidays.”
“We can afford two holidays.”
“Can we?”
“We can find out.”
She considered this. It was not the answer she wanted, but it was an answer that solved the problem.
“Okay,” she said. “This year yours, next year mine.”
“This year hot, next year cold.”
“Deal.”
“Deal.”
Her View
Shirly felt heard. Not perfectly, but enough. The compromise was not perfect, but it was fair, and it gave her something to look forward to.
She also knew that Derek had given something up to get this, which meant she would have to give something up next time.
His View
Derek felt he had won and lost at the same time. He was getting his holiday, but it was delayed by negotiation, which felt less like getting what he wanted.
He also knew the solution was good, and he could not argue with it without sounding selfish.
Couples Therapist Breakdown
What Actually Happened
Two different holiday preferences could not both be satisfied in one trip. The solution was to split the difference over time.
What’s Really Happening
IFS Parts Map
Shirly’s internal system shows a Manager part that wants a fair and balanced agreement. A Protector part ensures she does not lose out by holding onto the deal. Beneath this, a Vulnerable part looks forward to her turn and feels hopeful about the future. Her core need is for fairness and to have her preferences valued over time.
Derek’s system has a Manager part eager for immediate pleasure and a warm holiday. A Protector part negotiates to avoid feeling like he has lost. Underneath, a Vulnerable part struggles with delayed gratification and wants what he wants now. His core need is for enjoyment and to feel that his desires matter equally.
Iceberg Diagram
On the surface, Derek and Shirly are arguing about whether to go somewhere hot or cold for their holiday. Just below, Shirly’s position is that she wants cold and snow, while Derek holds out for sun and warmth. Their hidden thoughts reveal a deeper layer: Shirly wonders if her preferences are being taken seriously, and Derek worries that giving in means losing his holiday entirely. These feelings rest on core needs for fairness and for enjoyment. At the very bottom, Derek fears being overlooked while Shirly fears her wants are always secondary.
The Psychology
Holidays represent different needs: rest, adventure, warmth, cold. When partners want different things, both can be satisfied over time.
The Holiday Split
- 1
Different preferences
- 2
Same time
- 3
One wins
- 4
Compromise over time
The Mistake
Treating holiday decisions as single events rather than part of a pattern.
The Repair
“Every holiday alternates who chooses. This year yours, next year theirs.”
Healthy Version
“Hot this year,” Derek said. “Cold next year. That’s fair.”
“It is fair.”
“And we don’t talk about it again until we’re planning.”
“Planning. Not complaining.”
“Planning is different.”
“Planning is hopeful.”
“Exactly.”
Questions
- Where do you each want to go on holiday?
- How do you decide on destinations?
- Can you alternate who chooses?
- What’s your holiday compromise?