The plant was over the fence. The plant was green. The greenness was not the issue.
Story
“I’m cutting it,” Derek said.
“You’re not cutting it.”
“It’ll grow back.”
“It’ll grow back faster.”
“It’s over our fence.”
“It’s not over our fence. It’s over the fence.”
“What’s the difference?”
“The difference is the difference.”
Derek looked at the plant. The plant was a vine. The vine was growing over, which meant it was taking, which meant it was theirs now, or it was becoming theirs, and the becoming was the question, and the question was theirs.
“I’m cutting it,” he said.
“Ask first.”
“Ask what?”
“Ask them.”
“I’m not asking them.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s over our fence.”
“It is not over your fence.”
“It is.”
Shirly took the secateurs. The secateurs were sharp. The sharpness was a warning.
Her View
Shirly felt like she was the only grown-up. The cutting was easy. The easy was the problem. The problem was that cutting first and asking later was not how neighbours worked, and how neighbours worked was important, and the important was the relationship, and the relationship was worth protecting.
She also knew she was being cautious. The cautious was not cowardly. The cowardly was cutting without asking, and the not asking was being lazy, and the lazy was not neighbourly.
She wanted to be neighbourly. She wanted him to be neighbourly too.
His View
Derek felt like he was being invaded. The invasion was slow. The slow was plant-based, and the plant was over, and the over was on his side, which meant it was his problem, and his problem was his to solve, and he could solve it, and solving was cutting.
He also knew he was taking. The taking was the easy way. The easy way was not asking, and the not asking was not neighbourly, and the neighbourliness was important.
He wanted to solve it. He did not want to ask.
Couples Therapist Breakdown
What Actually Happened
One partner wanted to act, one partner wanted to ask. The action was the issue.
What’s Really Happening
IFS Parts Map
Shirly’s internal system reveals a Manager part that values doing things properly and maintaining neighbourly relationships. A Protector part steps in to enforce the rule of asking first before acting. Beneath this, a Vulnerable part worries about damaging the relationship with the neighbour and wants to be seen as considerate. Her core need is for harmony and to handle boundaries with care and respect.
Derek’s system has a Manager part that wants to solve the problem quickly and efficiently. A Protector part takes action without asking because solving feels better than waiting. Below this, a Vulnerable part feels invaded by the overhanging plant and wants the intrusion to stop. His core need is to regain a sense of control over his own space.
Iceberg Diagram
Above the surface, the argument is about whether to cut a neighbour’s overhanging plant without permission. Shirly’s position is that they should ask first, while Derek’s position is that it is already on their side so action is justified. Shirly’s hidden thought is that the relationship with the neighbour matters more than the plant, and Derek’s hidden thought is that waiting feels like surrendering control of his own garden. Beneath these sit emotions of caution and invasion. At the deepest level, Shirly values community harmony while Derek values autonomy and decisive action.
The Psychology
Boundaries with neighbours require conversation. Action without conversation is invasion.
The Vine Gap
- 1
Plant grows
- 2
Whose is it?
- 3
Ask or cut?
- 4
Relationship matters
The Mistake
Acting first. Neighbourly is asking first.
The Repair
“We ask first. We say, ‘The plant is over. Can I cut it back?’ We wait for the answer.”
Healthy Version
“I’ll ask,” Shirly said.
“Ask what?”
“Ask if I can cut the plant.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.”
“What if they say no?”
“They won’t say no.”
“They might say no.”
“Then I’ll cut it after.”
She asked. They said yes. The cutting was done together.
Questions
- Do you have garden disputes?
- How do you handle plant boundaries?
- What’s your permission rule?
- Can you be neighbourly?