Derek had said he would go. He had said it every day this week. He had not gone any day this week.
Story
“You’re going today?” Shirly said.
“I’m going today.”
“You said that yesterday.”
“I was going yesterday.”
“You were going to go yesterday.”
“I was going to go. Then something came up.”
“Something always comes up.”
“Not always.”
“Always.”
Derek put his trainers on. The trainers were clean. The cleanness was evidence of non-use.
“What came up?” she said.
“Work.”
“Work came up?”
“Work emails.”
“At 6pm?”
“They did.”
She looked at the trainers. The trainers were symbolic. The symbol was not working.
Her View
Shirly felt lied to. The lies were small. The smallness was the problem. He said he would go, he did not go, he said he would go again, he did not go again, and the cycle was not about exercise, it was about trust, and the trust was being eroded by gym memberships that never got used.
She also knew she was being a nag. The nag was not wanted. The nagging was the only way she knew how to respond, and the responding was not working.
She wanted him to want to go. Not say he wanted to go. Want to go.
His View
Derek felt caught. The being caught was not new. The telling her was new, or it was old, and old telling was the same as lying, and lying was easier than doing, and doing was hard, and the hard was why he did not go.
He also knew he was failing. The failing was visible. The visible failing was worse than invisible failing, and invisible failing was his specialty.
He wanted to go. He wanted to be the person who went. He did not know how to become that person.
Couples Therapist Breakdown
What Actually Happened
One partner made promises, one partner kept track. The keeping was exhausting.
What’s Really Happening
IFS Parts Map
Shirly’s manager part keeps track of his promises, while Derek’s manager makes plans he cannot keep. Her protector nags and reminds out of frustration; his protector deflects with excuses. Beneath, her vulnerable part feels the erosion of trust, while his feels the shame of failing to become the person he says he will be.
Iceberg Diagram
On the surface, a repeated conversation about going to the gym. Below, Derek’s hidden thought reveals the gap between who he wants to be and who he is, while Shirly’s hidden thought reveals her exhaustion with tracking someone else’s goals. Neither is really about exercise; it is about the difference between intention and action.
The Psychology
Excuses are cover for desire. The desire to change exists; the doing does not. The gap is not about will.
The Promise Gap
- 1
One promises
- 2
One tracks
- 3
Action missing
- 4
Cycle continues
The Mistake
Tracking for someone else. Accountability from outside never works.
The Repair
“We set smaller goals. Not ‘I’ll go every day’, but ‘I’ll go once this week’. Something achievable, something that can be kept.”
Healthy Version
“Can I tell you something?” Derek said.
“What?”
“I’m not going to the gym.”
“Okay.”
“But I want to move.”
“Move how?”
“Walk. Short walks. Something I can do.”
“How much?”
“Twenty minutes. Twice a week.”
“That’s a start.”
“Small is good.”
“Small is very good.”
“Will you not ask me if I went?”
“I’ll ask once a week.”
“Not every day?”
“Once a week is enough.”
“That’s enough.”
The walking was easier than the gym.
Questions
- Does your partner make exercise promises?
- How do you handle broken promises?
- What’s your accountability style?
- Can you find realistic goals?