The fence was falling. It had been falling for months. The months had become a negotiation.
Story
“We need to fix it,” Derek said.
“We don’t need to fix anything.”
“It’s falling.”
“It’s their fence.”
“It’s on our property.”
“Is it?”
“It is.”
Derek looked at the fence. The fence was old. The oldness was obvious. The fallen part was more fallen now than it was last week, which meant it was getting worse, which meant the fixing was more urgent.
“Paul hasn’t done anything,” Derek said.
“Paul is busy.”
“Paul is retired.”
“Retired people are busy.”
“Busy doing nothing.”
Shirly looked at the fence. The fence was a trap. The fixing was a decision, and the decision was theirs, and the answer was no.
Her View
Shirly felt pressurised. The fence was not her fence. The fence was Paul’s fence. The property line was a legal thing, not a moral thing, and the moral thing was Paul’s job, not hers, and the helping was enabling, which was wrong.
She also knew she was being stubborn. The fence was ugly. The ugliness was visible. The visibility was making her house look worse, which was making her feel worse.
She did not want to fix it. She wanted Paul to fix it. The want was not being answered.
His View
Derek felt stuck between helpful and right. The fixing was the right thing to do. The right thing was obvious. The obvious was that the fence was falling, and the falling was getting worse, and the worse was reaching their property, which meant it was their problem now, or it was becoming their problem, or it would become their problem.
He also knew he was being pushy. The pushiness was not helping. The helping was wanted, but the pushing was not helping the want.
He wanted to help. He did not want to fight.
Couples Therapist Breakdown
What Actually Happened
Ownership was unclear. One partner wanted to fix, one partner wanted to wait.
What’s Really Happening
IFS Parts Map
Shirly’s manager part sets firm boundaries, while Derek’s manager wants to solve the problem. Her protector refuses to enable the neighbour’s inaction; his protector wants to fix things to prevent further decay. Beneath, her vulnerable part resists being pressured into someone else’s responsibility, while his feels anxious about the fence getting worse. Both are protecting themselves from different kinds of discomfort.
Iceberg Diagram
On the surface, a conversation about a falling fence. Below, Shirly’s hidden thought reveals her fear of being taken advantage of, while Derek’s hidden thought reveals his discomfort with letting things deteriorate. Both positions are reasonable; the conflict is about who should carry the cost of fixing something that belongs to someone else.
The Psychology
Property boundaries are emotional. What is yours is mine, but what is theirs is theirs.
The Property Gap
- 1
Fence falls
- 2
Whose problem?
- 3
Responsibility unclear
- 4
Fixing delayed
The Mistake
Assuming someone will fix it. Responsibility is not assumed.
The Repair
“We write a polite note. We offer to split the cost. We don’t fix it for free.”
Healthy Version
“We need to talk about the fence,” Derek said.
“The fence.”
“I’ll write to Paul.”
“Write what?”
“Ask who’s responsible. Offer to split it.”
“Splitting it is generous.”
“We can afford to be generous.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know what you meant.”
“The fence is not a negotiation.”
“No. It’s not.”
Questions
- Do you have boundary disputes?
- How do you handle property issues?
- Who is responsible for what?
- Can you collaborate?